Insanely Yours
by sachi-sama
Summary: It's hard to start over when you have no clue who you once were. Even with a group of friends, a loving family, and a questionable relationship with his favorite brute, Izaya can't help but wonder who he used to be, and what everyone is keeping from him. Shizaya.
1. Chapter 1

_I've come to a realization. I haven't posted anything worth reading in a while. I love my Hetalia story, but a lot of you don't follow the pair I ship, and I shouldn't neglect any of you! I love you! It's getting close to my year anniversary on this site, and I should spoil you all for being so dear to me. This idea is actually from a comic book series I do. I might publish it one day, if I ever stop being lazy. As is, I'll mold it into a fiction to see if you like the idea! We can all lose ourselves, and stop taking life so seriously, even if just for this moment! Let's go, shall we?_

**_Disclaimer: The idea is mine, this computer is mine, the style is mine, my clothes are mine, and the world is mine. The characters are not, until I take over Japan. (Izaya came over willingly, so he's mine.)_**

* * *

_Introduction_

"Everything is going to be fine, you know," Shizu-chan tells me for the hundredth time. I glance at him.

"So you've said. Do I look like someone who's worried?" I ask confidently.

"Nah. You look like someone who's scared as hell," he grins. Ugh, such an arrogant asshole. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with him.

"It would be more insane to _not_ be scared."

"Insane has nothing to do with it," he huffs.

Ah, right. Shizu-chan is a paranoid schizophrenic. No one knows except for me. I don't even know if his parents know. I mean, they'd have to, right? How else would he have gotten diagnosed? Huh.

Maybe I don't know him as well as I thought.

Let me explain, Shizu-chan is about a year and half older than me. We've been friends since I was five years old, and I'm currently a junior in high school.

"Haha, I can't believe you're just a junior. This should've been the big year," he remarks. I honestly don't know what's up his ass, but I hope it's hurting him.

Dumbass brute.

"It's not my fault," I mutter, trying not to let him get to me. He looks at me sideways.

"Hey now. Relax. You know I didn't mean it like that."

"How did you mean it then?"

"I mean… Dammit, Izaya! I mean that you should be graduating this year! So we could leave, remember? Just you and me, leaving this damn city! It's just not fair," Shizu-chan says, running a hand through his hair angrily. He has such a problem expressing himself, it drives me crazy.

"What's not fair is, I still don't remember what happened," I say dryly. He sighs.

"You're not supposed to be worried about that. Don't push yourself to remember. It's only been a year."

About a year ago, there was some sort of accident. I don't know the details, but I suffered extreme head trauma. Everything is fuzzy, and I don't really remember anybody.

No one except Shizu-chan. It was the weirdest thing. I woke up, and he was the first person I asked for. I had to get to know my entire family again. It's crazy to treat your own mother like a stranger.

Every day, I learn more about them, but I'm not any closer to figuring out who I am. It's infuriating, and it's hard. I can't stand not knowing.

I feel like I should know everything. But maybe that's just how I used to be.

The worst thing is asking myself, "Would the old Izaya have done this?" "Is this what I should say?"

I know there's no wrong answer. There's no penalty for getting the answer wrong. It's just…so damn hard.

How can I be me if I have no idea who I am?

"Just be you," Shizu-chan says, reading my thoughts as always.

"Easier said than done," I remark.

"Look," he sighs, "I'm walking you to school to boost morale. It's your first day back since you got better! Why not try to make the best of it?"

I glare at him, and he rolls his eyes.

"Don't be such a bitch," he laughs.

"A _what?!_"

He points to the school up ahead, still grinning.

"…Do you want to come in with me?" I say, fidgeting on my feet. I hate not having him near. He's the only safety net I have.

"Nah. I hate it here."

"You're so lucky you already graduated…"

He ruffles my hair.

"You have friends here, babe," he tells me. "You might not remember them, but they remember you."

Well, that's comforting.

I huff at him, breathing deeply before marching into the school with my head held as highly as I can hold it.

If I'm going to start all over again, I might as well be myself.

Whoever the hell I am.

* * *

_ Sachi: *dances* This is actually the best thing I've ever written, aside from my many Fanfictions. It was a series of four comic books, and I used to pass them around my school. I loved it! It's so much easier to write it then to draw it, but comics display so much feeling, you know?_

_ Izaya: I have a starring role! Fuck yeah!_

_ Shizuo: Me too, Louse!_

_ Sachi: Back to my main shipping! Hope to see you all next chapter! Review for love!_


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm being so fucking productive lately! *fist pump of AWESOMENESS!* Two updates in two days, three loads of laundry, and my house is close to being clean enough for Zeus himself to be here, and get down with his many bitches. I'm so glad you're all traveling with me for another story! You know how I roll. We'll be taking the scenic route. *waggles eyebrows* I've been a letdown to you all lately, and I'm sorry. I used to get so mad when I would follow a story, and the author would delete it or go on hiatus. But I understand now, and the truth is, sometimes real life is more dramatic than any story. I've been through a lot, especially in the past six months, and I let it get to me more than I should have. I'm back now, and you all have nothing to fear! I'm a little scared though, because Toki is behind my head, and I fear he might be planning an attack. Anywho, on to your love! __GlowGlowBat__, thank you so much! Glad you'd rather read my stuff than sleep! __darkestlight96__, that's exactly why I keep writing, my dear. Everyone needs an escape, and I know getting involved in a story is always the best medicine for me. I'm sure our problems are all pretty severe, but let's forget them for a while, as long as the words flow. I love you! Hope your life is getting better. __misterbigeye__, thank you for reading! __Logic Dive__, *eats pasta* You're trying to make me morbidly obese. __Rai Rai Blue__, I can't answer your questions! I can tell you that you're not a snob. It's good to be picky! It only means you want the best, or in this case, read this best. And I'm flattered you like my stuff so much! I missed you too! We should chat soon! __Maru de Kusanagi__, thank you! __Quiet. Crash__, I told you I wasn't abandoning them! No, this story is anything BUT canon. This is alternate everything. I think you'll all like it though! You know I'm not going to give you a ridiculous plot hole or anything. ALSO! My stories are being reviewed like crazy lately! You guys helped 'Fix You' break the 200 mark! I'm so honored to have such great company! I love you all! ON WITH THE STORY!_

* * *

_Starting Over_

I really fucking hate this.

I think I've said it about one-hundred times since I've started walking in this hell hole.

Maybe it's some sort of recollection I'm having from who I used to be. Or maybe I'm just thinking like a teenager. Who knows?

As soon as I step in front of the office window, the woman behind it shoves a clipboard at me without even looking up.

"If you're late, you have to check in. If this is your third time being late, you have detention," she says, going back to file her nails as if I'm inconveniencing her.

"I'm supposed to talk to you about my classes," I tell her. "My mom told me I was supposed to ask you where to go."

"Are you new?" she asks, finally looking at me.

"Sort of. I used to go here, but I don't know where anything is. I'm Izaya Orihara."

Behind the window, it's silent. She's staring at me with her mouth open, and I realize the rest of them are too. Two more women behind her walk a little closer just to see my face. I can't help but feel like an animal on display at the zoo.

I _really_ fucking hate this.

"Ah, r-right!" she says, standing up abruptly. "I spoke to your mother. You're going to be in room number two-oh-two. It's upstairs. After that, you're to follow this list," she hands me a piece of paper, "and if you have any questions, you're to ask Kyohei Kadota. He's going to be your guide today."

Kyohei Kadota? Hm. Doesn't ring a bell. But then again, nothing really does.

I hurry upstairs, well aware they're all craning their necks to watch me go. I get that a lot.

"You're so brave," people in the hospital would tell me. "You were in a coma for half a year. It's amazing you didn't suffer any brain damage aside from amnesia!"

Yeah, it's a real miracle. That's why I still have to get up and come to a place like this to pretend I care about school work. And what's worse is how nervous I feel. I don't know why. I haven't felt this nervous in a long time…

Then I realize why. It's because Shizu-chan isn't with me. I'm not used to being alone.

But he said he didn't want to come in. I can't blame him, really. He's not missing much. And it's kind of important I learn to do things alone.

Either way, I hate it. I miss him.

Taking another deep breath, I push the door to the classroom open. A big man in a plaid shirt is up front, teaching something.

Like always, everyone freezes when I walk in.

"Uh, hi. I'm supposed to be in this class," I say, feeling horribly awkward. I instinctively look up to glance at Shizu-chan, but of course he isn't there.

The fat man blinks, and then asks for my name. When I say it, he wordlessly points to the back of the classroom.

I walk back and sit next to a brown haired guy whose locks seem to be slicked back. He gives me a small smile.

"Long time, no see," he greets. I simply stare at him like he's on fire.

"We've met?" I ask blankly. His thick eyebrows rise to the point of being in danger of disappearing in his hair.

"Man, I heard you forgot everybody, but I guess I hoped you'd remember me," he whispers while the plaid shirted man resumes rambling about math. "I'm Kyohei _Kadota_," he enunciates his last name, as if he thinks I might have trouble with it.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I don't really remember anyone since…you know…" I trail off. He nods in understanding.

"It's fine. We've only been friends since grade school, but you know, no pressure."

"I said I was sorry!"

"So you really don't remember anything?"

"No."

"Damn, that sucks. I guess it's good in a way though. You can start all over. Like an Etch-a-Sketch drawing," he grins. I glower at him.

"Yeah, it's ultra-cool. Say, if you've been my friend since grade school, shouldn't you be in a higher grade class? Or were you a year behind me?"

"Oh, that. I sort of…flunked this class last year. I really don't have a reason, aside from the fact that I decided to be lazy."

"…Decided to be?"

"I had a lot going on last year, you know. My best friend was in a coma, parents were getting divorced. It was a gas," he states dryly.

Best friend, huh? I'm sure I'm making it so much better for him by not remembering him. I'm really a horrible person.

We spend the rest of the class in silence, and it passes rather quickly. But that could be because I missed most of it.

I could've had my mother accompany me this morning. She wanted to. She _really_ wanted to. The thing about that is, I doubt she would've ever left. She was probably protective before my accident. Now she's an utter terror.

She wanted to keep me home, and teach me herself. I guess I should probably stop complaining about this place, since I volunteered to come here myself. It was come here, or stay at home some more.

And at least this way, I can get out of the house some.

Don't get me wrong, my mother seems nice enough. My father is in advertisement, and isn't home much.

I have an older sister in college, but she still lives at home. Her name is Kanra, but she doesn't talk to me much. It's just as well.

I don't have much to say to any of them.

When the bell rings, I follow Kyohei out of the room.

"Where to now, Dota-chin?" I ask. He freezes a little in front of me.

"…You lost your memory, and you still have to call me that damn name…"

"I…did it without thinking about it. Dota-chin, huh? If I used to call you that, I guess it gives me permission to call you that again!" I grin, happy with his irritated expression.

"Damn little prick," he hisses, leading me toward a group of people.

"Where are we going?" I ask again.

"Those people up there," he points, "Are all probably going to blow a fuse when they see you. The short guy is named Mikado. He's a little shy, but you became his friend in ninth grade. He's with the blonde guy, Masaomi. Yes, like dating. The girl with the dark coat is Erika. She's the one you're going to have to watch out for. She'll probably jump you as soon as she sees you. The other girl beside her is Anri. She's even more shy than Mikado, but you relentlessly stalked her until she said she'd be your friend."

"…Stalked?" I murmur.

"You've got a lot to remember," he laughs. "You used to be quite the little weirdo."

That's what I was afraid of…

The girl named Erika looks toward me, and then everything seems to slow down for a second. It's like watching a dinosaur attack fresh prey. I watch her drop her stuff, and then run toward me full force.

For a second, I think of running. But she'd most likely catch me. It's a little disheartening.

I just wait for the impact, trying to smile as convincingly as I can.

The breath is knocked out of me, and I fly backwards when she throws her arms around me. Dota-chin supports me, while muttering an indiscreet, "I told you so."

Soon, I'm surrounded. Dota-chin stands behind me, looking very uncomfortable. Masaomi and Mikado are hugging me. Anri is off to the side, and Erika is trying to morph into me, I think.

I'm only trying to remember what I should do, how I should act. But I can't. I'm on my own.

"I fucking _missed_ you!" Erika squeals, squeezing even harder. I'm guessing she never had a puppy when she was little. Or she might have had one.

When she hugged it, I'm guessing she had none.

"Ah, yeah, I, uh…missed you too…" I say.

"You remember me?!"

"Not really… I actually don't remember anyone. Well, except Shizu-chan."

I watch as all their faces morph from happiness to shock.

"…Shizuo?" Dota-chin asks.

"Yeah. He didn't want to come in today. I can't blame him, I guess. This place is boring," I say.

"True. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have to be," Masaomi grins, slinking an arm around my shoulders. "Whatever though! He's not here, so I get to hug you now! It's great to have you back, Izzy!"

I grimace at the name, wondering if the old me liked it. I wonder if the old me liked everyone here.

But the old me isn't here.

And I have to get used to the idea that he's not coming back.

* * *

_ Sachi: TWO UPDATES! *shoots gun randomly into crowd* TAKE THAT!_

_ Shizuo: I don't think it's wise…to shoot into a crowd…_

_ Izaya: Oh, look! Shizu-chan's trying to be wise~!_

_ Shizuo: *ragerageragerageragerage*_

_ Sachi: Review for love! Roll in it! *opens arms* C'mere! You know you want it~!_


	3. Chapter 3

_I think I'm obsessed with Adventure Time. I always drop whatever I'm doing to watch it, even when I've seen the episode a hundred times. I just love it! And I naturally wanna dress as Fionna! We blondes have to stick together! As is, my hair is now so long that it tries to strangle me in my sleep, but I can possibly cut it sometime soon…maybe. I don't know yet. My work day was so busy today! DX And there were so many creepers! This one dude was like, "Hey there. I like your belt." And I was thinking, "Why the hell were you looking at that area when it's just a normal leather belt?!" If you're gonna creep, at least be discreet about it! Blah! But whatever! We're here for my update! But first, I believe I owe you all some love. __SparklySnickers__, I LOVE your name! I would never give up on writing! I will continue for you~! __Rai Rai Blue__, we did chat! So all is forgiven! I went back and fixed the error, but I couldn't find where you said I misspelled Dota-chin… It's not Dota-chan, it's Dota-chin. Silly. And I know you want my love! That's why I give you so much of it! __Logic Dive__, I love your ideas! As always, I can't give anything away. I'm glad you loved it! __erihan__, they're not real bullets… That one guy died from something…completely unrelated… __Forgot Username__, haha, you must not have logged on for forever to forget your username! Sadly, I couldn't update last night because I was tired…but I'm updating now! :D __Quiet. Crash__, thank you! I really love Fix You! You're so inspirational! *tackles* __misterbigeye__, *hugs back* Yay! __enterthetaiga__, I will always keep you guessing! __MissVampyre__, you made me so happy! My ideas often make me think I'm crazy, but if you like them, that makes it all worthwhile! I'm so honored to be your favorite! __Kira-Lime Orijima__, oh my gosh! I love you too! It's so good to hear! __Aelano13__, ah, yes, it is an AU. It's based on my own comic series. It had four books, and was popular in my group of friends! I shall try to update more! __GlowGlowBat__, haha, that puppy would NOT last long. It's still an honor! __Guest__ …I know you. You're not fooling anyone! Why aren't you signing your name?! DX Glad to have you all here with me! On with the story!_

* * *

_The Bridge_

I wake up really comfortable in my bed. I love these moments when I first wake up. Nothing bad has happened yet today, and I can just bask in the remnants of my dreams.

I jerk when I feel arms around me, but relax when I hear the quiet breathing in my ear.

"Shizu-chan, if you're going to sneak in my bed at night, you could at least use the door like a normal person," I say as I observe my open window.

"Too much damn trouble. Your mom is crazy observant. She'd notice," he grumbles, his lips ghosting my ear as he talks.

I turn over in his hold, so I can face him.

"Why are you here again?" I ask.

"Parents were fighting. I figured you wouldn't mind."

Ah, right. Shizu-chan told me countless times his parents were horrible, horrible people. I can't remember if I've ever met them or not. I probably have though.

He's looking at me thoughtfully again. He does this a lot, like he doesn't think I'm real. Or like I'm some prize he's won.

To be honest, I can't tell you what I am to him. I can't even tell you what he is to me.

I would say he's my best friend, but that's not big enough. It doesn't even _begin_ to describe what he is to me. If I lost Shizu-chan, there would be nothing anymore.

He's my entire _world_.

As to what that means, I haven't figured out yet. Hell, I don't even know who I am, much less what I want.

"Izaya…" he mumbles, stroking my cheek with his hand, snapping me back to attention.

"Mmm?" I reply, snuggling closer to him. He only tugs me into his chest, sighing contently.

"I wanna take you out today," he tells me quietly.

"Where did you have in mind?"

"Nowhere special. I just wanna get out of here for a bit, you know?"

I giggle into his chest.

"Shizu-chan wants to take me on a date~"

"Shut the fuck up."

He jumps away from me with blinding speed when a knock sounds at my door.

"Izaya? Are you awake yet?" my mother asks. Of _course_ she feels the need to check on me. She does it all the time. Almost like she thinks I'll have another accident in my sleep.

"Yes, mother," I sigh as Shizu-chan jumps into my closet. "I'll be down soon."

She walks away from the door, and I laugh as Shizu-chan tries to morph onto my clothes.

"She's gone, you protozoan. Besides, you're still in plain sight," I inform him.

He grumbles, and comes back to the bed.

"You never answered my damn question, Louse."

"Oh, your love confession? Sure, I'll go out with you."

He grins, and then smacks me upside the head.

"Hey!" I whine. "All I need is more brain damage!"

"No, you _need_ to go downstairs and eat breakfast, so I can sleep for a few uninterrupted minutes," he huffs.

Glaring at him, I go to my closet to get dressed.

Damn brute.

I can't help but wonder if we've always been like this. If it's always been this way. If we always woke up together, or if we were romantic before.

We certainly act like we're something more than friends.

Shizu-chan often tells me it's things that will come in time, and I shouldn't try to force myself to remember things. He also tells me not to worry so much, and not to overthink so much.

But I've often thought that's only because he never thinks of _anything._

When I get downstairs, my mother is making everyone plates for breakfast. She looks at me, and then rushes to hug me, same as always.

"How did you sleep?" she asks.

"Pretty good," I say.

"Good, good. Your father is at work again, so it's just us three this morning."

I look over to Kanra, who's stabbing a sausage with her fork. She grins at me as she shoves it into her mouth.

"'Sup, loser?" she comments.

"Not much," I say. "I'm guessing you have big plans."

She laughs.

"My plans are always pretty big," she says, running a hand through her dark hair.

"I figured."

Mother puts food in front of me, but I really just don't want to eat. It's not that she can't cook; I'm just not hungry.

"You need to eat, Izaya. You still have to take your medicine."

Ah, those damn horse pills. I fucking hate them. My doctor says they help mend the nerves in my head, but they just bother me. I hate taking pills of any kind.

Maybe I always have, who knows? All I know is the me I am now is really unhealthy.

"I'm going out today," I say after I swallow a bite of eggs.

"Out where?" Mother asks, a frown on her face.

"I don't know yet. That's part of the adventure."

"Just don't hurt yourself," Kanra says, pointing her hand to her head like it's a gun, and then sticking her tongue out as she pulls the trigger. Mother shoots her a glare.

"Be careful. And eat your breakfast, Izaya!"

Dammit. I was hoping I could sneak away without having to eat.

After shoveling down the tasteless sludge, I journey back upstairs, where Shizu-chan is buried under my blankets.

"Hey! Wake up! You said you'd take me out!" I whine, pouncing on him. He groans, burying his head under the pillow.

"Look, you're not as light as you might think. You might crush me," he says.

"Good! Get the hell up!"

He glares at me from under his pillow fortress.

"I might just change my mind about taking you out. Bad little fleas don't deserve to be treated."

I punch his side until he rolls out from under me.

"Ugh, you're such a damn brat."

I bounce in place as he changes into extra clothes.

"Where are we going? What are we doing? You never want to go out!"

He smiles at me.

"Now that's more like the Izaya I remember," he laughs.

My face falls at this comment. Is that what all this is about? He likes who I used to be? He hopes I can turn back into that person?

Does he not like me now?

When he finishes getting ready, he ventures back out through the window. Shizu-chan is scared of my mother.

And for good reason. She's the very definition of 'smothering'. And like everyone else, she doesn't like Shizu-chan.

I don't understand why it's such a big deal. I mean, he might have a mental disorder, but he's on medication for it. He's stable. What more does she want? She told me once that it was bad for me to spend time with him.

Most other people just stare at me like I'm crazy when I mention him.

Either way, I'm going wherever he wants to take me. I'd follow him anywhere.

I have to go through the door like a normal person, and to my surprise, my mother isn't there. Kanra is sitting on the couch, watching television.

"So where are you _really_ going?" she asks.

"Where's mother?" I ask vaguely.

"Getting groceries. Are you meeting Shizuo somewhere again?" she grins.

"And if I am?" I challenge.

She laughs.

"Man, I like this rebel side of you! The old Izaya tried not to get caught, but you're just walking around flaunting it now. Just try to get back before the she beast does, or you'll get lectured no matter what."

I nod, going for the door.

"And be safe," she adds. I turn to look at her, but she's looking away from me.

I leave before she can say anything else.

"Ready?" Shizu-chan asks me as I get outside.

"Yeah. Do I get to know where we're going now?" I reply.

"Nope."

I have to take two steps for every long stride he takes, so I start jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk to amuse myself, since I'm hopping along anyway.

"You having fun down there?" he asks, his voice full of amusement.

"Shut up," I say.

"You know what they say. 'Step on a crack, and break your mother's back'."

I look up at him.

"Who says that?"

"Nevermind… We're here."

I look around at the open field we're in. It's a little ways from the road, where the cars are steadily journeying about their day. That road stays busy. I can't recall a time where there weren't any cars on it at all.

In the middle of the field is a large stream that travels quite a long way. There's a bridge situated over it to help the cars get across.

This place…seems familiar. There's something important about right here.

"C'mere, Flea," Shizu-chan says, holding out his hand.

I take it, allowing him to lead me to the stream.

"Do you feel it?" he asks, his breath hot against my ear.

"Feel what?" I ask, trying to focus on something other than the chill bumps on my skin.

"This," he grins.

And my foundation tilts as I find myself heading face-first into the cold water below.

The first thing I think of is how goddamn cold it is.

The second thing is how I want to _kill_ that damn brute, who's laughing like it's the funniest thing he's ever seen.

"You _asshole!_" I yell at him, which only makes him laugh harder. Then I splash him.

"Oi! That's fucking cold!"

"Really? I had no idea, since I'm not currently submerged in here," I say sarcastically, standing up to splash him some more.

"Don't be such a drama queen. You used to do that to me all the time," he grins, helping me out of the water.

"I did?"

"Yup. You thought it was good for me to have a bath or some shit."

All this information about myself seems like it's meant for someone else. I might as well be reading it in a story, since I can't remember any of it.

It's like Izaya Orihara is a character I'm trying to be, but can't get my lines right. It's like this is _his_ play, and I'm interrupting.

"Shizu-chan…do you…miss how I used to be?"

He glances at me in alarm.

"Come again?"

"You said earlier…I was acting like the Izaya you used to know… Is that good? Or is it bad? Or am I disappointing you by not remembering faster? Or-"

He places his finger under my chin, and tilts my head up so our lips can meet. I'm taken completely by surprise, but cling to him anyway, open to this new development.

He sighs into the kiss, moving his mouth hungrily against mine. I can only try to keep up, my head spinning with everything I'm feeling at the same time.

I feel like I might burst.

He pulls back, his mocha eyes observing me in that special way of his.

"I like anyone you are, Flea," he says seriously.

"You do?" I ask. He nods.

"I can't get attached to too many parasites, you know. I might end up with some disease. You're bad enough for my health."

I glare at him, before I push him into the water.

Asshole could use a bath.

* * *

_ Sachi: Alright, to answer questions, yes, this is an AU. It's based on a story of mine, and I'm molding these characters to fit. I'm not using Mairu and Kururi, because they're too young. My original character had an older sister, and I kind of liked the idea of getting to work with Kanra~!_

_ Izaya: You only like her because she's the female version of me. You'd be her double, if you had dark hair._

_ Sachi: …That has nothing to do with it…_

_ Shizuo: You should add Shizuka too._

_ Sachi: I could! I don't think she'd fit in this story though… ANYWAY! I keep getting distracted! Review for love, as always. I'm about to go find myself a late night snack~._


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello, my lovelies! Man, I feel so loved this week! My stories are all being reviewed like crazy, I was asked to help do voices on one of my reviewers video games, I'm chatting with many of you on Facebook, and I was asked to do an advertisement, so…lemme do that right quick._

**_Visit AskRoppiandTsuki on Deviantart! I'll get fanart if you do, and I love fanart! Oh, and the page is cute. Blahhhhh!_**

_Alright, so I owe you all some love! __MissVampyre__, I love Kanra! Of course, I AM like her and Izaya, so I'm biased. Sorry, I'm trying to update more! __LoveyDovey__, thank you! __Quiet. Crash__, haha, I like your ideas! I can't answer your questions though! Muahaha. __Logic Dive__, 'm glad you love them! Haha, still can't tell you~~. __BlueIsMyFavoriteNumber__, I am gonna do flashbacks! __Kira-Lime Orijima__, I…agree… __Maru de Kusanagi__, thank you! __Rai Rai Blue__, hello dearest! Bad Little Boy was great! I love Marshall Lee! I do really wanna dress as Kanra! I'd never dye my hair though. I love my blonde hair, so I guess I'd have to get a wig! __KoolaidShipping__, hello, darling! Glad to have you here! You always wait for smut, haha. __Forgot username__, don't die! DX __SparklySnickers__, I can't tell yooooouuuuu! I will continue! __GlowGlowBat__, I thought it got the point across rather well. __Guest__, I could… You do too wanna be 20! That's how old I am! :D __The Swag-ler__, I love frequent reviewers! They're the best! Just hang in there! __Paranormal Alchemist__, I love you! Married, you say? How would you propose?! Enough of my rambles! On with the story!_

* * *

_Questions_

"Iza-chan, what do you think of my hair?" Erika asks me one day after school.

"Um… It's brown?" I offer, not sure what she wants me to say. She laughs at me.

"You never were much of a fashionista. I'm thinking of getting it cut for my date next week, but I don't know much about styles. I could ask your sister, I guess. She's pretty fashionable."

"Yeah, she is. Kanra is always wearing expensive clothes. I don't know how she pays for it," I say.

Erika is staring at me as we walk past the final row of lockers.

"What?" I ask.

"Ask me who I'm going out with!" she whines.

"Oh… Uh, who?"

"Walker! He finally asked me out after a year of constant flirting!" she coos.

"Am I supposed to know who that is?"

Then she's off, rambling about last year, and the year before. I apparently was very adamant in getting them together, but they didn't really start talking until after I was in the hospital. Maybe I was her best girlfriend. Who knows?

When I get outside, I'm surrounded by my 'friends'. They're all around me, asking me questions, asking how my day was.

Sometimes, it's overwhelming. When I first got out of the hospital, my parents were the same way. They wanted to know everything about me at the moment, because they were having to get to know me all over again. Kanra was always more reserved. She'd say something to me every now and then, but I guess she just knew that was how I like it.

Shizu-chan was…just there. That's all I wanted from him, really. He was there with me from the moment I woke up, and he's there for me now. I really don't know what I did to deserve him.

The worst part is, I don't know what we were like before the accident. Were we in a relationship? Were we just friends?

Why would he kiss me like it was nothing if we had never done it before?

"Izzy!" Masaomi says loudly, waving his hands in front of my face.

"Eh?"

"We're almost to your house, silly," he grins, pointing ahead.

"Oh. Man, I wasn't even paying attention. I was…lost in thought," I smirk. "Thanks for walking with me."

"No problem, dude. You're always lost in thought," Dota-chin says. "Your mom told me to make sure you get home okay."

"Shizu-chan would walk me home, but he's scared of her," I laugh, turning to go into my house.

"Most people are!" Masaomi shouts.

My mother is at the door as soon as I open in.

"How was your day? Did you have fun? Did you learn anything?" she asks hurriedly, taking my bag off me.

"It was fine, mom," I huff.

"He's not going to want to come home if you're always all over him," Kanra says from her spot on the couch.

Mother glares at her, and I laugh when Kanra makes a face.

"I'm gonna go do some homework," I say, heading for the patio outside. It's just one of those nice days outside, and I want to soak up the rays of the sun.

"Dinner will be ready soon!" my mom calls.

Honestly, she tries way too hard. I'd be happy ordering takeout, but I guess whatever makes her feel useful.

As soon as I sit down, Kanra is there, occupying the chair next to me. She's grinning at me like a Cheshire cat.

"What?" I huff.

"Is she driving you crazy yet?" she asks me.

"Who?"

"Who do you think, dumbass? Mom! She's always…up in your face. I'm glad she doesn't do that to me."

"I guess she's just scared I'll get hurt again."

Kanra looks at me interestedly.

"You're really fascinating, you know. It's weird getting to know you all over again."

"So I am different from how I used to be?" I ask worriedly.

She shrugs.

"Anyone you decide to be is you. You just have to decide who you want to be."

"…Come again?" I ask.

"Look at it this way. You were given a clean slate. So all the mistakes you made before are invalid. You don't have those memories the rest of us have. You know, the ones you wish you could forget. And trust me, that's a blessing. All you have to do is pick up the pieces, and decide who you want to build."

"That's how I've been looking at it too, I guess," I sigh. "But it would be nice to give everyone the Izaya they remember."

"If they can't like the new you, fuck them!" Kanra grins wickedly. "Shit happens, little brother. It's best not to question it."

She stands up to go back inside.

"Just stop worrying so much. Things will be fine, if you let them."

I open my math book to continue the assignment I left earlier, thinking about what she said.

It's true, after all. I was given a second chance. I might not know what happened, but I know it could've killed me. I know it probably should've killed me.

But for whatever reason, it didn't. And I need to pick up the pieces that are left, and build the Izaya I want to build.

Not everyone gets that chance, so I should enjoy it.

But that's hard to do when everyone looks at you with such…_expectations_.

The worst part is feeling like I'm letting everyone down. It's like when you want everyone to be excited about something, but none of them are as excited as you.

But constantly, and from everyone.

I blink when I feel someone poke the back of my skull.

"It helps to actually look at the book," Shizu-chan's voice says from behind me. It's only then that I realized I closed it.

I tilt my head back to look at him.

"Where have you been?" I ask.

"Home," he huffs. "Glad to be away from there."

"I'm about to have to go eat dinner," I say. "Did you want to stay?"

"Of course not. You know that's hard when your mom doesn't want me around."

I look down at my feet, trying to think of how to word the question I'm dying to ask.

It's hell, trying to think of what to say to him. Will he reject me? Will he think I'm being clingy? The thought of him with anyone else is enough to make me crazy… But should I _tell_ him that?

"Shizu-chan…" I start. "Shouldn't she know…that we're…together…?"

He looks at me dumbly.

"We're together?" he asks.

Then, I feel my heart sink to the pits of my stomach, but there's also a flash of anger. And like always, anger wins.

"You're here constantly, you sleep in my bed with me, you kissed me the other day, and didn't act like it was anything! Are you trying to confuse me? You're doing a damn good job of it, because I don't know what's going on with us, and you're too stupid to know anything about anything, so I don't even know why the hell I'm talking to you!"

He stares at me, before he busts out laughing. I punch him in anger, but he doesn't act like he felt anything.

"You're so cute," he grins at me, pulling me into his chest. I lean against him, still mad.

"So what are you going to do about it?" I challenge.

"Hold you close," he says in my ear. "Stay with you. Kiss you."

I pull back to look at him, and close my eyes as he leans in to press our lips together.

It's not an answer, but it's a start.

Maybe Shizu-chan can help me put myself back together. I don't want to be anyone I can be, if he's not with me.

* * *

_ Sachi: Sorry if it's a little short. I'm doing two things at once, haha._

_ Izaya: *pokes* Sachi-chaaaaaaaaaaaan! Update more!_

_ Sachi: I'm trying! I'm always working, and I'm on an exercise craze, and my dad's trying to organize my finances against my will, which translates to __**making**__ me help him, and I'm all over the place! DX_

_ Shizuo: At least you're being all healthy, or some shit._

_ Sachi: Ah, yes! I stopped drinking energy drinks, and sodas altogether! I have to get my beach body for summer! _

_ Izaya: Review for love!_

_ Shizuo: And a quicker update._


	5. Chapter 5

_Looks like I have a window of time. Might be the last one for a while. I work the next two days, and the next three nights, ugh. I've been on my feet nonstop, but it's for a greater cause. I'm so glad you guys understand the lack of updates on my part. I'm trying to make things get better for myself, because no one is going to do it for me. I've never worked so hard for anything in my life! DX But I guess we all need a goal to work towards, otherwise, what's the point? In any case, I figure I'll update since I have the chance. I'll toggle between this story, and Devour. I don't know how many of you read that one, but it's also to a major point in the story, so it's a little higher in demand than this one. But! Let's focus on this one now. erihan, I like her too. And no, the goal is to move where there is a beach. Kira-Lime Orijima, not for a while, silly goose. Logic Dive, you're getting warmer! I love you too! If you're clinging to me, you're going to have to listen to me sing nonstop. Hehehe. Surprisebuttsecks, I…love your username… I love frequentness! I can't tell you the secret! That's why it's a secret! Long reviews are the best~ SparklySnickers, thanks for the belief in me! I could really use more of it. Sorry for the long wait! Quiet. Crash, crazy ideas are usually the best. MissVampyre, don't think too hard now! Leave that to me! Haha, I have no fiancées to arrange. No one would ever want to marry me! The Swag-ler, I haven't seen it! I try to avoid Nicholas Sparks movies, and I'm sure you know why haha. GlowGlowBat, I want summer to be here. I'm tired of the cold. I'm ready to be tired of the heat. EchizenKiki, sorry about WTMO. It was digging a pretty big hole for itself. I'm glad you like my stories! Also don't worry about the review, I knew what you meant. I don't know if you can delete reviews or not. I know the author can delete reviews on their stories, but only if they're anon reviews. Rai Rai Blue, haha, I'm not that hard to talk to. Thank you for talking to me so much lately. It really helps. Forgot Username, that's not how the postscript went exactly, haha, but I guess you can read it that way. Enough of my rambles. On with the story!_

* * *

_Static_

I think it was a few days ago. That's the first time I remember having a headache as severe as the one I had. It hurt everywhere on my body, but it was unbearable in my skull.

There wasn't anything to help me. My mother gave me pills, called my doctor. All he said was that it was normal.

"Trauma of the brain tends to cause pain later on. Of course, it could also be his mind's way of trying to shield him from remembering what happened. Either way, I'd tell him to rest, and we can schedule an appointment if you'd like," he had said. That's the sort of thing he always says.

You'd think it would be pretty traumatic to lose every part of yourself you had ever known, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. There seems to be so much more.

And if my mind has to shield me from it, I'm guessing it can't be good.

Then, it was last night too. I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, waiting for sleep to come claim me, but it never did. I was awake all night. The weird thing is that I'm not as tired as I thought I would be. I'm pretty alert, I think.

At least I was awake when Shizu-chan came sneaking into my bed last night.

I pretended to be asleep, but of course he knew. Neither of us said anything, but sometimes the silence is best.

All I know is, something isn't right. There's something more to this than everyone is telling me. I've known that all along, I guess.

For whatever reason, none of that bothered me until recently.

What happened to me? Who am I?

And Shizu-chan…does he know? How long have I been this way? Did I always have such bad headaches? Did I always suffer from insomnia?

Currently it's close to noon, and I'm still in bed. Not asleep, not close to sleep, not even thinking of sleep. I'm lying here, curled into Shizu-chan, trying to figure out how to be happy. He's asleep, of course.

I love him this way. His defenses lowered, his arms around me. I'm the only person he's so comfortable around. People say we've been friends for so long, we just adapted to each other. I don't think of it that way.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think people were made to belong to each other. Not like the possession of an object, but just the knowledge, the _feeling_ that you belong to someone else. And they to you.

I can't see my life without him, but maybe that's because I can't remember ever living it without him. In any case, I don't think I want to try. We're like a puzzle piece.

Granted, both of us are jagged around the edges, but we fit. I sometimes wonder if that's how every couple feels. Then I smack myself, and remember Shizu-chan and I aren't a couple.

He stirs and I'm startled when he pulls me closer.

"Why are you always awake?" he grumbles. "Even fucking Einstein slept every now and then."

"My apologies, Shizu-chan. I didn't realize you and Einstein were such good friends," I say.

"Tch."

"Izaya, are you awake yet?" my mother asks from outside the door. This is the third time she's come up.

"Close," I call back, listening intently as she walks away. I wonder sometimes why she never walks into my room without knocking like most mothers do.

Then I realize it's because I'm a teenage boy, and she probably thinks I'll be touching myself.

Ah, if only my problems revolved around jerking off. I don't even know myself enough to touch myself.

If that makes sense.

"Guess the warden is being generous today," Shizu-chan says quietly.

I don't respond, which prompts him to roll over and look at me. His face is worried.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"I guess. I can't give you any reason things wouldn't be okay, so it's easier to tell you I'm fine."

His brow arches, but he doesn't press me to explain. That's how he is. He never tries to get me to explain things. He simply waits for me to talk.

I guess I'm grateful for that. If he asked questions, I wouldn't know how to respond. It's not easy to explain why I'm upset about nothing. So I'm glad he doesn't ask.

It saves me from having to tell.

More time passes, both of us in silence. I know he wants me to talk, which is why he's so silent. Normally he'd ask me if I wanted to go somewhere, get out of the house for a bit. Just us two, no one else.

"Shizu-chan…" I say after a while. "Are you happy?"

"What the hell kinda question is that?" he grumbles.

"One with an easy answer, if you'd think about it. Even a protozoan like you should have an answer for such a straightforward question."

He glares at me, but doesn't lose his temper. I'm actually a little proud of him for that.

"I'm not a hard person to please, Izaya," he tells me. "It doesn't take much to make me happy."

"Good to know."

He doesn't ask me the same question in return. He only holds me, which I'm grateful for.

He's the only thing holding me together.

* * *

_Sachi: At least it's an update! Sorry it's not longer. I swear I'll make more time to update!_

_Izaya: Seems like we're getting more questions with no answers._

_Shizuo: Yeah, sorta._

_Sachi: That's usually how I write, hehehe. Much love to you all! Review for some lovin'! _


	6. Chapter 6

_MY LOVELIES! I apologize for the lack of updates on this story. I hate to say it, but Hetalia has taken the place of my vice, and Durarara is in the passenger seat. WITH THAT SAID: I am NOT saying I love either more than the other, so don't you dare be all like, "YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER LEAVE US! BLAAAAHHHHH!" Because I'm not saying that. I just have more ideas for Hetalia than I do this fandom right now, but rest assured, I still love everything Shizaya related, and I will be posting whenever ideas come up. I wouldn't just leave you guys! I love you! *hugs* Also, like I said, I'm basing this off my own comic book series, and I'm having to switch a lot of stuff around, and I've been…a little lazy in that aspect. But I shall carry on! Like a slug though. Okay, let's move on to your love, because I know you all get tired of my babbling! __Quiet. Crash__, I liked the puzzle thing too! It just came to me! __MissVampyre__, eh, no worries. I didn't quite understand Hetalia at first. I thought it was this serious thing about WWII, so I was WAY off. Thank you so much for the good luck wishes! I need them more than you know! I know how you feel. School and work together is a total drain, ugh. GOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO! __Logic Dive__, oooh, yay, I like being loved on! Haha, more of your ideas! Keep them coming! I'll tell you if you're hot or cold. But this time, you're freezing. :p __GlowGlowBat__, I need a vacation. Like, more than I can say. I'm sorry yours seemed unenjoyable! (my computer is telling me this isn't a word, but fuck that.) __Rai Rai Blue__, yes, it's a filler. I'm so glad you'll never leave me! Because I will cling to you. I will come find you, and cause a scene. Like, you have no idea. Let's both make money! __EchizenKiki__, so glad you like it, and it's great to know I could help brighten your day! That's part of why I write. __The Swag-ler__, *clings back* So glad you love it! Yes, I'm busy, but as long as I have internet access, I'll always make time to update. __Surprisebuttsecks__, I can't say the secret! Your story made me laugh! My old boss was a creeper, so I know how you feel. He used to tell me if I married him, he'd put me through school, and take care of me. I always thought he was kidding, till he got seriously mad over the idea that I was seeing someone else, haha. __grrlsvomitcandy__, oh, wow, you reviewed so much! So glad you liked my mushroom fic! It was super fun to write, since I mostly write serious stuff. Of course I listen to the Deftones! I actually just used Passenger as a song title in Devour, haha. Yes, I am a grammar Nazi, but don't worry about editing reviews or anything. My inner Nazi only comes out if I'm reading a story with awful grammar. In high school, I actually refused to read __As I Lay Dying_, _by William Faulkner, because the grammar was atrocious. I didn't get in trouble, and I passed the tests by guessing, but the point is, I fucking couldn't stand it. I hope you accomplished dreaming of the story! And I enjoy long reviews, so by all means, continue to leave them. Wow, this is the longest A/N I've written in a long time. Guess it means I'm getting back to my normal self! Now, let's get on with the story! (I'm totally high off junk food right now. I had a Snickers!)_

* * *

_Submerge_

School is over for the day, and I'm walking behind Dota-chin. He's not offering any lame conversation, and neither am I. This is really enjoyable, meeting someone else who doesn't have to fill every silence with drabble. I rather like spending time with Dota-chin. Perhaps we really were good friends before whatever accident I had.

He's walking me home. The rest of our posse all had their own plans today, and I'm a little grateful, to be honest. They're always all over me, trying to continue whatever past we used to have.

It makes me remember I'm not who I used to be, because now, I can hardly stand them. I'm…an awful person.

"Alright, that does it. What's wrong?" Dota-chin's voice asks suddenly.

"Huh?" I say dimly.

"Every time I look back at you, you're biting your lip and staring into space. You always do that when you're upset about something. So spill. What's up?"

I always do that? Really? Hm, maybe I do still have some lingering particles of my old self, if he can still tell when something is bothering me. It's a little encouraging, to say the least. Maybe I'm not a lost cause after all.

"Just thinking about stuff," I say to him. He raises a brow.

"Yeah, and that's never a good thing."

"How did I meet everyone?" I ask. I can tell he's taken aback by the question, because he stops walking.

"Come again?"

"You said I met you a long time ago, right? How did I meet everyone else?"

He runs his hand through his hair, and sighs loudly.

"Man, you're asking me to remember all that? Let's see… I'm pretty sure you met Erika around the same time you met Masaomi and Mikado, which was Freshman year. You met Anri a year later, but she's really only in our group because she has a crush on Mikado."

"Isn't he with Masaomi?"

"Yeah, but maybe she's holding out hope. It's not healthy for her to do that, but whatever. It's none of our business, I guess," he sighs. "Why did you want to know?"

"I...don't see how we became friends…"

To my surprise, he laughs. I figured he would get mad, maybe ask me how I could say such a thing. Instead he just laughs, and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"I ask myself that every day, dude. We're all a little different, but it works out, you know? It's best not to question things that gel together so easily. You'll only complicate it."

"I suppose I can understand that."

Then, something weird happens. He turns to me, a serious look on his face, and removes his arm from my shoulder.

"Izaya… How are things?" he asks.

"Things?"

"Just, you know, how are you holding up? I know you were worried about a lot of things a while back, so I just…figured I ask."

How are things? What an odd question. But since he asked, I suppose I should think of an answer to tell him. Maybe I'd be happier if I told my fears to someone. Lord knows I can't tell Shizu-chan everything. He tends to overreact.

"Dota-chin, tell me something. Did I used to say anything to you about…nightmares?" I ask.

"Nightmares?"

"Yes. I've been sleeping less and less every night. The odd thing is that I'm already on sleeping medication, and it's not helping me. I suppose if I already had a prescription, it means I had the problem before my accident, but I thought I would ask you."

"Yeah, you used to have those problems. I mean, you never really told me about them, but Shizuo did."

"You used to talk to Shizu-chan?" I say, surprised.

"Of course. Everyone in our group did. You forgot that too? He used to hang out with us every day, just like you."

"I really wish he hadn't graduated," I whine. "it would be nice having him back in school again. I suppose it's a good thing he's out of there, but I really wish he'd consider college or something. Sometimes I wonder if he's sticking around just for me."

Dota-chin gives me a look of sympathy, as if I'm missing something, and then he clears his throat.

"Trust me, Izaya. I don't think anything could stop Shizuo from sticking around for you."

"I know… I guess that's what I was afraid of…"

"It's cool," he says simply. "It's not like you can control it. Just be happy you still have him."

"Yeah, that's a good way to think of it."

We fall into silence after that, and make our way across the bridge Shizu-chan took me to that time. We don't normally go this way, because it takes much longer to get to my house, but I asked him to take me the long way. I felt the walk would do me some good, and so far, it has. Talking to Dota-chin has eased my mind a little bit. Maybe I'm worrying too much about nothing. Shizu-chan is in control of his own life, and I'm not responsible for him.

At least, that's what I want to tell myself.

As we cross the bridge, I look over the edge, wanting to catch a glimpse of the water. I smile to myself when I see it flowing so gently. It reminds me of how it felt when I was pushed in.

I wonder if it's still cold.

_"I have to tell you something."_

I freeze in my tracks. Where did that voice come from? Dota-chin continues to walk, so I proceed to follow him, still checking over my shoulder to see if anyone is there.

_"What would you say if you knew you were about to die?"_

I freeze again. That came from the water. Leaning over the edge of the railing, I try to see in the reflection whether or not someone is hiding under the bridge to mess with me. It wouldn't surprise me any. Kids these days have nothing better to do than menace society.

"Izaya?" Dota-chin calls. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm looking at the water," I reply, craning my neck.

He runs behind me, and locks his arms around my waist.

"Oh no you don't. No hanging off the edge! That's just asking for something bad to happen!"

"Oi, I'm not a baby!" I hiss. "My mother may have told you to watch me like a child, but I'm not having it!"

He opens his mouth to reply, but I don't hear him. I notice a splash in the water, and I look back toward the ripples just in time to see…someone's head sink in the water.

"Hey! HEY! Let me go! Someone's drowning!" I yell, thrashing in Dota-chin's grip to try and get him to release me.

"No one's down there! Izaya! Calm the hell down!" he calls back, his voice straining.

"I saw them! I SAW THEM! Let me go, damn you!"

"IZAYA! No one is there! That water isn't even deep enough to drown in!"

I stop moving so wildly, and remember he's right. That water isn't deep at all. It barely come to my knees when I was in there. But then…

Who did I see? And that voice…

"Izaya?"

Did I imagine it all?

"I…I'm sorry, Dota-chin. I need to sleep more… I guess it's making me see things. I'm really sorry."

He looks at me incredulously, and ruffles my hair after a moment of awkward uncertainty.

"Stay away from the edge of things, okay? You almost gave me a heart attack."

I follow him home, as always, but this time, I'm looking over my shoulder the whole way, as if to prove to myself something was really there.

* * *

Later that night, I'm awake when my window opens. I've taken to just leaving it cracked, since I know Shizu-chan will be using it most of the time.

He stares at me, and then makes his way to the bed, wrapping around me like always.

"Shizu-chan… I have to tell you something," I whisper. He mumbles a response, and kisses the back of my head. I take this as a sign to continue.

"I…saw something today…"

"Saw what?" he grumbles.

"I…I'm not sure. I heard a voice, and then I saw someone in the water under the bridge, and no one…was there…"

His body goes rigid behind me, prompting me to roll over and look at his face.

"What do you think that means?" I ask him quietly.

"I think it means you need to get some sleep, Izaya," he says simply, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

"Dota-chin told me I used to have sleeping issues before the accident. He also said you used to hang out with us all the time, when you were in school. I couldn't see how you'd be friends with some of them, but I'm not sure how I am either, and then I was told not to question it, and-"

"Izaya. Shut the hell up and sleep."

I pout at him the best I can, but he can't see it properly in the dark. I tell myself that's why it didn't work.

I drift off slowly, safely wrapped in Shizu-chan's arms. Before I close my eyes completely, I strain to hear anything similar to the voice. Anything at all.

Because I know who that was talking now. I just can't remember the conversation that brought it up, or why I would hear it now.

_"I have to tell you something."_

And I want to ask Shizu-chan so badly what exactly it was he had to tell me, but I guess I'll have to wait for now. He's already asleep anyway.

* * *

_Sachi: Oooh, what do you think it means?! _

_ Izaya: This is good at confusing me. Maybe I'm not reading it right._

_ Shizuo: Yeah, I was lost at chapter two._

_ Sachi: Oh, well, uh… I'm doing good then! :D This entire chapter was improvised, but I think it did well. I never plan these things out, you know. These scenes usually turn out the best though!_

_ Izaya: Indeed!_

_ Shizuo: *smokes cigarette*_

_ Sachi: Alrught, my lovelies! Review for love! I'd love to hear your thoughts on what's happening! I won't tell you if you're right or wrong, but I will give you a hint of the next chapter. Izaya…is going to say a few sentences. Hope that helps! Till next time~!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear awesome self, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?! I've come to the conclusion my body hates me, and doesn't ever want me to get any sleep. But I guess I get a lot done. I had a very…eventful night. I got tipped SO GOOD at work! I had to suffer through three half naked rednecks continuously calling me to their room for room service, and then have them give me tips with their phone numbers on them, but they gave me over twenty bucks by themselves, haha. I wonder how rednecks get such expendable money? My boss just laughed when I told him, and then proceeded to tell me about how he knew a bunch of similar guys who robbed a bank just to live it up for a weekend at a crazy fancy hotel before they got caught. I guess everyone has a place they'd go if they had the money. Personally, I'd take a trip to England, but I'd pack my own food. (Haha.) Now, I hope everyone else had a productive day! You guys are really into this story! I was concerned it wouldn't be enthralling enough, but I'll try to liven it up a little. First of all, I owe you some love! __Quiet. Crash__, hehehe, it's good you're lost! All your guesses are cold, so keep trying! __tamyyiia__, yay, glad you had an afterthought about it! Yes, keep reading! __Logic Dive__, cold. *loves on too!* You're a good guesser! They're very interesting guesses! __Shiroi Hana__, long time no see, stranger! Hmmm, good guess, but no! Yes, keep trying~! __Burning-Petals__, warmer! I will start editing your new chapter soon, kay? Sorry, I'm barely awake enough to update, and I'm scared I'll miss tons of stuff if I edit it after work. __misterbigeye__, DAYUM, NATURE! YOU SCARY! __SparklySnickers__, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoy it! Yes, you'll most likely cry. YOU'VE NEVER HAD A SNICKERS?! Good Lord! GO EAT ONE! You eat one now! __MissHinataPink__, you know you love my hints! I love any review, I don't care what it says! Thanks a bunch! __Kira-Lime Orijima__, I actually have written a crack fic, but I accidentally deleted it before I posted it. (Laptop shut down and I lost it.) I liked it though! I might rewrite it later on. __incidentalmusic__, don't you always agree with Shizuo?__ Surprisebuttsecks__, keep trying! Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa… You're a guy? *tackles!* I do believe you're my first male reviewer! I'm surrounded by a sea of fangirl estrogen, haha. My creeper boss isn't my boss anymore! So there's good news! You're quite welcome! I'm always glad to have new frequent reviewers! __AwakingMusic__, haha, don't you guys always want the next chapter now? I'm so glad you like it! Glad to see a new name on the review list! __MissVampyre__, thank you for the good luck wishes! Yes, it's great to be back to normal. I've been under an angst cloud for a long time. This one will…be sad, but I doubt you'll be as upset as you were with WTCF, because I purposely made that story so long so you'd be sad after getting to know the characters, haha. I planned all that out! __EchizenKiki__, I've never seen that show, but I like creepy! I haven't written Shiki in a long time. The edge thing was warm, but that actually won't be answered for a long time. __namea33__, another new name! I need a good muse, ugh. Glad you like it! __GlowGlowBat__, IT WAS A GREAT HINT! I love napping. It's like the best thing ever. __CrowEatingMoth__, great username, by the way. Haha, happy you like it! It's great to have questions! __Lockwyn Woodspire__, I enjoy capturing interest! It's a hobby. I think you're the only one to mention the voices. It's very significant! __Rai Rai Blue__, yes, you will have to deal. I LOVE Loveless! Haha, this is far from that though, but I do love that story. Oooh, why are they brushing off the accident? I love long reviews! You know that! Ugh, I hate paid programming. Like, so much. I just wanted to watch more Ancient Aliens! DX But, enough of that. ON WITH THE STORY!_

* * *

_Flashbacks_

"I'm only saying," Erika informs me as we walk down the hallway and head towards our final class for the day, "If you dressed as a Playboy Bunny, you'd be hot."

"…Do you just stay awake at night and ask yourself, 'Wow, what can I say tomorrow to make everyone stare at me like I'm insane'?" I say, eyeing her incredulously.

"Nah. It doesn't require much thought, you know? I'm kind of a natural at being weird."

Between bells, we get about five minutes to get to each class. I normally just go towards whatever class I have, but if I happen to run into Erika, she likes to walk with me, even if it makes her late. I'm starting to understand what Dota-chin was saying the other day. I don't need to think about why someone like Erika is my friend; I only need to be grateful for the companionship. I seriously think this girl would take a bullet for me. I mean, she'd probably make the gunman blow his own brains out first, but whatever.

As is, I have no clue how we got on the topic we're currently on. We've literally only been walking together for a few seconds, and then next thing I know, she's babbling about Halloween costumes, and saying I should cross dress. I'm trying not to say too much about it, because she'll read into any response I don't think about before saying. Hell, she's probably reading into my silence too. She's just like that.

"Or a French Maid. You'd be a sexy maid too. I already have some fishnets you could wear!" she giggles.

"…I don't think I'm doing anything for Halloween," I say, dubbing it a fair enough answer. She gives me a look of shock.

"Iza-chan, you _love_ Halloween!"

"I do?"

Her eyes widen, and then she bites her lip as if she said something she shouldn't have. I only wait patiently for her response, not sure what else to do.

"W-Well, you _used_ to," she says quietly. I sigh at her.

"Sorry if it was something we used to do together. I'd remember it if I could."

"I don't mean… You know what I meant, Iza-chan. At least, I hope you do. I'm still learning your new likes and…stuff. We used to dress up, yeah. And we'd trick or treat too, but if you don't want to anymore, it's okay."

"I'm sorry," I say again for good measure. It seems to be all I can say these days. She smiles at me, and ruffles my hair affectionately.

"Stop that! Get to class!" Erika grins, running in the opposite direction. I do as I'm told, and cringe as the bell rings before I can sit down. That means she's late to her class again. I guess it doesn't matter though, since she doesn't seem to care.

I make my way toward the back of the class, like always, and settle down. I'm in English Literature, which I'm grateful for, because it means the day is almost over. I find it really hard to pay attention these days. No matter how hard I try, my mind always wanders. I really love literature though. I mean, I don't know if I _used _to, but I do now. And like everyone is always telling me, now is all that matters.

Still, even with that newfound courage, I find myself wondering about the ghostly voice I heard that day on the bridge with Dota-chin. I know it was Shizu-chan's, but I don't at all recall the conversation. I never asked him about it either. Trying to get a straight answer out of him is impossible, and the more I ask him about something I'm worried about, the more he'll get angry with me. If I question or argue his response, he'll say I'm "splitting hairs". If I ask again I'm "unable to let things go". So I finally just gave up on that. What's the point of felling like I'm stupid all the time, right?

Ah, but I'm straying from the topic! I haven't heard any voices since that day. I wonder what set it off? The bridge? I've often thought about going back just to see if I'll hear anything. I only pass that bridge on days where Dota-chin walks me home. As said before, that's the long way, and I'd hate to walk longer with Mikado and Masaomi than I had to. Erika goes a different route, and I never say anything to that Anri girl. She's very shy, but I could learn to overlook that. What drives me crazy is her mumbling. It's not that hard to just _talk!_

The teacher is rambling on about a Shakespearian play, and the rest of the class seems absorbed. I'm trying to pay attention as well, but I'm really drifting in and out. Why is it so hard for me to pay attention?! It's like the harder I try, the worse I'm distracted!

Maybe that's my problem on this whole memory thing? I haven't really concentrated on remembering. Every time I try, I get involved in something else. Perhaps this is an issue of brain power? Ah, if that's the case, I should focus, ne? I should think!

_Think, think, think, think, think…_

Let's see… When would I have heard those words before…from Shizu-chan, no less? What did our lives used to be like? There has to be _some_ sort of recollection in my mind somewhere!

"Orihara!"

I blink in surprise, and glance up at the teacher, who seems rather perturbed by my lack of attention on her topic of discussion.

"Yes?" I ask, but then freeze as my eyes reach her face. The entire class stares at me as I jump to the back of my chair.

"Orihara?" she says again, this time with trepidation. Why are they all looking at me like I'm on fire?! Her fucking body is covered in blood!

…Right?

I open my eyes again, testing the waters, and sure enough, the crimson is gone. Just a moment ago, it was _everywhere_, and it's suddenly gone? No… No, that's not it.

It was never truly there, was it?

"Y-Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine. Um…I need to be excused, okay?" I say with as much force as I can, but my voice is starting to submit to the fear. All eyes are still on me, and the teacher seems unsure, but she nods nonetheless. I assumed as much. She only wants to get class over with, after all.

Fleeing from the classroom, I head for the doors. I'll probably be reprimanded for skipping class later on, but I can't go back in there. What I just saw, even though I know it's not real, it was _terrifying._ Fucking terrifying.

What sort of person just randomly sees their educators covered in blood? Was that a flashback? Or was it…a hallucination…?

I'm jumbled as I make contact with something solid, and I assume it's a wall, until it talks.

"Watch where you're going!" it says to me. I look up to apologize, and to my horror, the blood is back. Only this time, it's much, much worse.

"Sorry!" I say hurriedly, backing away while trying to act like everything is fine. "Just in a hurry!"

What's worse, is this time, it's not going away. Everyone I make eye contact with is suddenly a walking corpse. What's wrong with me?

More walking, more fleeing, more _escaping_ from this school. Eventually, I just close my eyes, and hope for the best as I run.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God…_

Finally, I feel moisture on my face, and I realize I made it out alright. Everything is fine… Everything is fine… Please, someone, tell me everything is fine…

"Izaya? What's wrong?"

I look up to see Shizu-chan's broad shoulders, and I realize I'm on the ground. (Since when?) and I stand to greet him properly, though I avoid his face.

"W-Why are you here?" I sniffle, only now understanding that I was crying. If he notices it, he doesn't comment, and I'm grateful for that.

"It's almost time for school to be out, right? I was coming to walk you home for a change. You're out here early. Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I try to nod at him, but soon, the tears return. Wordlessly, he walks up and throws his arms around me, allowing me to sob on him. It's just too much. It's too fucking much. When I pull away, still close to breaking, but feeling a little better, I finally glance up at his face, and I'm so grateful he doesn't resemble something out of a hack 'em up movie.

"Is something wrong with me?" he grins at me, wiping my tears away with his hands. I shake my head at him.

"No, Shizu-chan. You're absolutely perfect to me right now," I tell him, placing my hands over his. He leans down and kisses me, lifting me slightly as he squeezes me.

"So are you."

* * *

_ Sachi: My. Feet. HURT._

_ Izaya: Get some of those foot insoles!_

_ Shizuo: Aren't those expensive?_

_ Sachi: I don't think it's my shoes. I think it's just the amount of walking I've been doing. I have to go to SO MANY FLOORS in this damn hotel. I always just pretend I'm going on an adventure though!_

_ Izaya: And you've been up for days, it seems._

_ Sachi: I, uh…recently acquired every episode of Hetalia Axis Powers…so that's why the updates stopped… *cough*_

_ Shizuo: Sigh._

_ Sachi: Review for love! Sorry it's short, I was just tired of neglecting you all! Much love!_


	8. Chapter 8

_Long time, no see! I bet you guys thought I abandoned you! Nope! I mean, I've been known to do so before, but…not ever with stories…unless you count that one time… Okay, so I've stopped writing before, but c'mon! I say I write more than I don't! And stuff! Anywho, it's been almost a month! And what a month this has been. Let's see… I got a haircut, saw an old friend and went out, worked, was a pig, worked, told my parents to go fuck themselves,(long story short, it's been a long time coming, and I'm glad they're gone because they've screwed my sister and me over relentlessly, and I'm cutting off all contact with them. LIKE A BOSS.) Worked, had to get another phone, because my other one was possessed and I hated it, WORKED, and that's pretty much it. I lead a pretty boring life, unless you count the sitcom that is my family. But my day with my friend was awesome! She bought me SO MUCH Adventure Time stuff! We have Finn/Fionna friend necklaces, haha. The funny part is she doesn't even watch the show, so I spent a long time explaining it to her, which was apparently "cute" because I was like a kid. She's only a few months older than me! DX (but she'll be twenty-one in July, and I have to wait till September…) And that's about it for me! I like catching up with you guys- you should tell me what you've been up to in the reviews! I don't just like hearing about the stories! I wanna connect with you, you know?! *cough* So, let's get on with your love! __Quiet. Crash__, yay, indeed! Shizuo is based off my original character, Benny, who was a total sweetie.__ Kira-Lime Orijima__, I might post them the next time I get an idea! Yours sounds pretty interesting. I was thinking about starting your fic request soon. __Shiroi Hana__, don't leave me again! I LOVE YOU! *flails awkwardly* I like adding mystery! You know how I roll. __EchizenKiki__, people covered in blood happens all the time! You know, you just…don't see it…and stuff. It's fine to be confused… I live my life that way! __CrowEatingMoth__, I always acknowledge existence! I'M TRYING! BLAHH! __Maru de Kusanagi__, you're getting warmer! __Logic Dive__, damn, chica, you make up some great scenarios! But, no, that's not right. Keep trying! __GlowGlowBat__, you should read my Hetalia stories! If you're into England/America, that is, haha. Hope you wake up to this one too! __divorcedpuppy__, me too! Writing makes me happy. And I'm glad to see a new name in my alerts! __Lockwyn Woodspire__, haha, I'll try to update more. __Rai Rai Blue__, I hope all is going well with your exams, dearest! I know finals are pretty sucky. I always TRY to sleep! It just never works! __grrlsvomitcandy__, of course he knows something~! __MissVampyre,__ updates will resume! Slowly, but surely, I'm going back to my old self. Thank you for the kind words! __natnatrat__, AWESOMENESS FOR YOUR AWESOME BIRTHDAY! *Prussia guitar solo* __Surprisebuttsecks__, of course I watch Hetalia! I have Hetaila stories posted, my lovely! And I'm just shameless enough to promote them…*cough* __The Swag-ler__, it's alright! I update sporadically, so even I don't know when they're coming, haha. You want my babies?! I don't plan on ever having any… SO CAN I GIVE YOU SOMETHING ELSE?! __darkestlight96__, confusion is the best spice! Now, enough of my rambles. ON WITH THE STORY!_

* * *

_Unfurling _

"Do you want to go out today?"

Shizu-chan looks up at me from his place under the blankets. He looks absolutely adorable right now, if I do say so myself. Not that I would ever tell him that. God knows that brute's head is big enough already. He stretches out on the bed, and rolls over to wrap his arms around my waist and pulls me down with him.

"Hey! Shizu-chan!" I flail around in his grasp, before his deep voice calms me down.

"You've been in a really good mood lately," he says quietly. I relax against him, a small smile gracing my face, because he's right. I never told him about the voices, because I realized it wasn't worth worrying him over. I told myself if I heard them again, I'd confess to him, but I haven't heard them. I've even slept through the night for the last week. I'm happy because maybe my head _is_ screwed on straight, and everything I was seeing was just due to lack of sleep. As for the blood, it comes and goes. I've grown used to it, and it's only not worrying me because my doctor did warn I would see things I might not like as my brain tries to remember everything. I have an appointment with him in a few days. I'll tell him all about it.

"Yeah, I guess I have," I mumble. His breath is tickling my neck in the _worst_ possible way while we're so close together. He leans down and begins kissing up my jaw.

"I'm glad. Depression never did suit you."

"Sh-Shizu-chan…"

He releases me then, a distant look on his face. He reaches up to cup my jaw, and his eyes…are full of so much pain, I can't help but instantly feel worried. At the same time, I know I can't just ask him what's wrong, because he's far too stubborn to tell me. He always has been. Well, as far as I can remember, at least.

"I'm going to go see what everyone's up to...so you can get a few minute's sleep, if you want…" I say, rising from the bed. He nods, and he rolls over, hiding himself from me under the blankets. Sighing, I make my way out of my room, and venture into the kitchen. Kanra is sitting in a chair, nursing a cup of coffee.

"Yo, Izzy," she greets. I scowl at the nickname, and reach into the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. She's watching me interestedly.

"_What?_" I ask, feeling her stare on me.

"Your food intake has changed," she says. "I remember a time when you wouldn't touch water unless it had an ungodly amount of flavor in it."

"I thought _you_ were the one always telling me it doesn't matter who I used to be," I say irritably.

"It doesn't matter," she grins, "but there's no harm in you knowing. I would want to know if it was me."

"But it's not you, and I don't like hearing about it," I snap. She raises her eyebrows.

"Well, who lit the damn fuse on your tampon, hmm?"

Sticking my tongue out at her, I turn to retreat back to my room, before she grabs my wrist.

"Hey…are you okay? You can tell me…you know, if you're not feeling well. I won't tell Mom or anything." Her face looks so genuinely concerned, it melts away any contemptuous rebuttal I can make.

"I'm fine… Really, I just didn't sleep well last night… Sorry," I say reassuringly. The truth is, I'm upset about Shizu-chan's pissy mood, and it's making me grouchy too, but like hell I'd tell her that. Mom would freak out if she even knew he was in her house, much less in my bed. She releases me, but still looks skeptical. When I reach the bedroom, Shizu-chan is sitting up, fully dressed in one of his hoodies.

"I thought you'd be asleep," I say, setting my water on the bedside table. He glances up at me, still with that look on his face. I flinch when he jerks his hand towards me, fingers outstretched, silently telling me to come closer. I inch toward him, wary of his intentions. When I reach him, he pulls me down beside him, and wraps around me tightly- so tight I almost can't breathe.

"Shizu-chan…?" I ask hesitantly, not remembering a time he was _ever_ so clingy. He remains silent, and pulls me even closer, effectively cutting off any oxygen supply I had. Still, I endure it, because I'm not willing to part with him.

Something…isn't right.

About the time I start gasping is when he lets me go. I fight to catch my breath for a second, and turn to look into his pained mocha orbs. What's going on? Why is he acting this way?

"S-Shizu-chan," I pant, "tell me what's wrong…"

"Nothing's wrong," he replies quietly, stroking my face. "I just… I wanted…to be as close to you as possible."

"But you've never acted this way before! If something is wrong, you should tell me! Otherwise I won't know!"

His brows furrow, and I think, maybe, just maybe, he'll tell me what the problem is, but instead, he pulls my face to his- roughly, I might add. I taste blood in our kiss. Still, there's so much..._emotion_ in this, so much feeling. It's almost overwhelming. I can feel everything he feels, and it's like a boulder falling into my chest. It _hurts_. God, it hurts.

His tongue pushes past my lips, and his body crawls over mine, pinning me to the mattress. I kiss back as best I can, but it's hard when sobs are starting to rip through my chest. This is so beautiful, yet so cruel. If this is how he feels right now, even while he's kissing me, I know something terrible is about to happen. And I can't restrain myself anymore when the first sob tears through me.

"Shh," he says, brushing my tears away before he thrusts his mouth on mine again. Inkling for any kind of attention from him, I wrap myself around him, allowing him to do whatever he pleases. His kisses turn more desperate when my cries grow louder, and it's becoming hard to keep any air in my lungs, but I fight to keep my lips against his, even if only for a few more seconds.

Inevitably, he pulls away, and leans down to rest his ear against my chest. I gasp for air, tugging my fingers through his golden hair, trying to piece any sense in this.

"Izaya," he says quietly, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" I gasp.

"It doesn't matter. Let's just…keep lying here, okay? I wanna…keep listening to your heartbeat."

"That's such an odd request, Shizu-chan…"

Has it always been this way? Has he always been so distant? Have I never been able to reach him, even while I'm touching him? I can feel that something is wrong, but I can't put my finger on it. But I have the feeling it's going to destroy me when I figure it out…

Or maybe it's something I already know, but forced myself to forget. Yes, that seems more like me.

* * *

It's dark. I can't see my hands in front of me. I try to call out, but there's no noise. Feeling a sense of disarray, I move forward, even though I can't see where I'm going. It seems to be the only logical course of action.

My footsteps make ripples, each a different color illuminating the path in front of me. Slowly, the entire room lights up, and I can see ahead. Shizu-chan is there, his arms outstretched.

_"Shizu-chan!"_ I scream, rejoicing in the fact my voice has returned. I run toward him as fast as I can, flinging myself in his chest. His broad arms wrap around me, and I feel safe for a moment.

_"I have to tell you something,"_ he says. I feel something wet on my fingers around his back, and I pull them to my face in alarm.

They're stained bright red.

_"Sh-Shizu-chan?"_

_ "I love you,"_ he tells me, a grim smile on his face. And then the red shoots from his back, splattering the ground around us. The ripples return, but seem to be morphing into waves, all blood-red. He falls to his knees, and I kneel down to shield him, cradling him as close as I can before the hysteria takes over.

_"I've always…loved you…"_

_ "Shizu-chan!"_

And then he's gone, and so is the blood. Everything disappeared together, leaving me alone in the once again dark room. Still frantic, I look around, stepping to create the ripples of light again. I call for Shizu-chan over and over, but there's no reply. Finally, I hear a voice in the background.

_ "He's not there."_

Whipping around, I find myself face to face…with myself. It's almost as if I'm looking in a mirror, but this version of me seems…darker. My hairs on the back of my neck are standing up, almost as if I'm in danger. Hesitantly, I step back. The ripples turn frantic again.

_"W-Who are you?" _

_ "The more important question is who are you? Or more importantly, who did you used to be? Honestly, Izaya, you've forgotten everything, even the most important piece of the puzzle."_

_"I'm trying to r-remember… It takes time…"_

_ "You're crazy, Izaya. Do you remember now? You've been crazy for a long time. Schizophrenic, they call it. We used to be quite close, before your stupid boy toy came along and ruined everything."_

He takes a step toward me, his motions making everything around us turn darker and darker. I scramble to get away, only knowing he's hazardous to me. Suddenly, I'm pulled back as he pulls me toward him, and I'm forced to look into his blood-red eyes.

_"In fact, you're so crazy you've managed to convince yourself Shizuo was still there."_

_ "He was here! He was! Just now- didn't you see him?! What did you do to him?!"_

I feel intense pain in my head as my forehead is slammed against his. His hands move up to caress my face, a fake look of sympathy on his features.

_"Wake up, Izaya, to reality."_

* * *

Bolting upwards, I realize I'm in my bedroom, all alone. I look around me for signs of Shizu-chan, but he's nowhere to be seen. Already, I'm crying, because my body finally understands the sense of dread, even if my mind is fighting it, because God, I don't want this to be true…

Shizu-chan isn't here anymore.

And he hasn't been for a long time.

* * *

_Sachi: DUN DUN DUNNNN! Progress, yo! Hopefully this will begin to answer some questions! Announcement, next chapter is the last, so start throwing in your crazy questions so I can make sure they're answered! _

_ Izaya: What was that dark room thing?_

_ Sachi: Oh, that was my interpretation of the subconscious. The waves were totally symbolic! (That's how I drew it in my comic book, haha.)_

_ Shizuo: I really hope you're planning on telling us what the damn deal is next chapter…_

_ Sachi: Yes, yes, it'll all be answered. Ah, also, I made the announcement in my other story, but I know not all of you read my Hetalia fics, so… I'm on tumblr now! I hope you all follow me, and I'll follow you, so we can become better acquainted! The name's sachi-sama, just like on here! Let's stalk each other! (I'm still learning the site, so my page isn't very well decorated…) Muahaha. Review for love, and a quicker update. If I get enough responses, I MIGHT just update tomorrow night~~ Join me for the end, won't you? There will be an announcement at the end of the next chapter, so be sure to read it all. Till next time, my lovelies!_


	9. Chapter 9

_MAH LOVELIES! How have you been holding up?! I know I promised I'd update sooner, and it's not because I didn't get enough reviews or anything stupid like that. As a matter of fact, I've got over 20 to answer… I got really sidetracked, haha. I was off today, and I was going to update for you earlier today, but I slept ALL DAY. And I do mean all day. I woke up a little after 8pm. That's how tired I was! And then my bestie invited me to go get drunk, so we did that…and here I am. I'm still a little tipsy…(Limeritas do that to you) but I promised an update, so by golly, Imma update! I'll do my best not to make mistakes though. My night was really fun! Have any of you ever played Apples to Apples while drinking? It was the funniest thing I've been part of for a long time. We played with two guys, and we were the only ones drinking, so they spent most of the night laughing at us. And I found out my friend is very affectionate while drunk, so by her third drink, she was making plans for us to move to Canada and get married. My response? I told her we couldn't get married in Canada, because no one would be able to see us when we came back to America. Ah, Hetalia references. Man…I'm babbling. I'm sorry! All I wanna do is eat tons of chocolate and watch cartoons, but I'm going to do this! So, onto your love! __pronoucedyou__, if you're lost, I'm doing my job! It's supposed to do that. It's told by a crazy person! And no, even reading the manga won't help, because Hetalia is exactly like the manga. They're just little shorts, and they're not really made to be anything but stereotypically funny. __Misterbigeye__, sorry! I think you know which is real! __Logic Dive__, I did know it was you on tumblr! Your guess was very accurate this time! Go you! Sit back and watch everything unfold, and eat this cookie! __SparklySnickers__, okay, for real, put your internet device down, and go get a Snickers bar. DO IT NOW, OR YOU HAVEN'T LIVED! Yes, Izzy is crazy! __Quiet. Crash__, nothing is too evil for me! I'm mega evil. Like Dr. Evil. __Shiroi Hana__, everything I do is okay! You keep coming back! STALK MY TUMBLR! I welcome stalkers! __MissVampyre__, it will be worth it! Working hard now just means you won't have to later. __tammylia__, it's okay to be crazy! Who's sane anyway? __Kira-Lime Orijima__, THANK YOU! I tried! __EchizenKiki,__ confusion actually helps add to the depression. You'll be strong! __GlowGlowBat__, yes, yes, get a tumblr! And get into Hetalia! I'll be your bad influence. PEER PRESSURE! BLAHHH! __divorcedpuppy__, manly tears? YES! Those are the best! __Miss Elizabeth__, oh, good! I meant for that last sentence to do a tap dance of sorts on your hearts. Did it work?! __grrlsvomitcandy__, oh, wow, okay. I'm not sure where to start with these! First of all, don't be scared of death! Think of it like I do, it's inevitable, so don't fear it. Just live life to the fullest, as if every day is the last! And thank you for saying my writing is beautiful! It's a stress outlet, and I'm glad it can help brighten your days! And lastly, don't detective too much on me! I want you to be a little surprised! Be happy, love! I do take requests! And the world is disgusting, but it's also very beautiful. You just gotta look around sometimes, you know? __The Deviant Protagonist__, don't be killed by the angst! Nooouuuu! __darkestlight96__, plot twists are my favorite. I like twisting! Like…pretzels. __Shadow Pain__, glad you think so! __Rai Rai Blue__, I did convert her to Adventure Time! The first thing she asked was if LSP was a transvestite. I'm so proud of you for giving your number! You get that man! IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS IN THIS CASE! Keep reading, you! __The Swag-ler__, oh, wow, I actually love that movie! I never thought of the similarities before now! XD I've never seen the guardians movie… I'll fabricate something else for you, if you'd like! I love you too! __Surprisebuttsecks__, YAY, I'm so happy you'll read my other stories! People always call me cute. :C I've learned to accept it, because I DO have a young face. I'm twenty, but I look at least sixteen. Oh. My. Glob. I'm your idol?! *attacks!* I'm gonna RUIN YOUUUU! Man, this took me forever to type… Don't forget to read the announcement at the end too! I'll know if you don't! Let's move on to the final chapter of 'Insanely Yours'. On with it then!_

* * *

_Over and Over_

There's a knock at my door. It's the third set of knocks this hour. Each set has three distinct knocks, each at three second intervals, each more hard than the last. It's my mother, her voice coming from behind the door, the only barrier between me and the one knocking. She asks if I'm okay. I don't answer her. I hear her footsteps walk away from my door.

I'm alone in my room. I have been for a few days now. No, wait. How long have I really been alone? How long has Shizu-chan been dead? I can't remember. I don't even know how he died. Everything just added up to the point where I can't stand thinking about it anymore. Every time I try to remember how he died, it hurts so bad I can't think anymore. I've been in this room for days now. Wait, I already said that, didn't I? Sorry, I just… I'm losing it.

But I've already lost it. I'm already crazy. How the fuck could I have forgotten I'm crazy?

More knocks, three sets, three second intervals. Mom's voice again. She must be worried. I can't tell her not to be. Fuck, I'm worried too. This time, she peeks her head inside, and slowly creaks the door open. I hear her footsteps crossing the floor, slowly making her way towards me. I imagine the ripples I saw before, and wonder what color they would turn if they were here.

"Izaya? Sweetie? Are you okay?" she asks, smoothing my covers. I don't respond. I don't want to talk. She sighs quietly, and begins petting my hair. "I called your doctor. He wants to see you."

"Why? So he can give me more pills and claim they're for something else? How long were you going to let me believe those pills were for my memory?" I ask scathingly, looking up at her from my pillow. Her face is white. "What were they for, really? To stop me from hallucinating?"

"Izaya…"

"Have you all just been laughing at me this whole time? Letting me think everything was fine, and Shizu-chan was…" As soon as I say his name, the tears return. Unbearable sadness I can't even describe to you. It's like someone ripped the sun from the sky, and I'm surrounded by pitch black. I can't stand it. She's not saying anything, and it's worrying me more and more.

"How long have you remembered?" she asks.

"I guess about as long as I've been shut in here," I hiss, hiding my face in the pillow again. "Shizu-chan's dead… He's dead and I don't even know how he died! I'll never see him again!"

"Do you remember anything else?"

"Can it possibly get worse?"

Her eyes are so sad, I can't even continue to glare at her. She gives a shaky sigh, and leans down to hug me. As soon as she does, all I can do is cry harder. Her sympathy reminds me of what I lost.

"Oh, my sweet baby boy," she whispers. "He loved you. He loved you so much. There was never a single doubt in my mind…of his love for you… That boy would have done anything for you…"

Past tense. Using Shizu-chan in past tense. It hurts.

"Even when you got sick, he… He always…" she cuts herself off, and bites her lip as if she's telling me things she shouldn't. Her pained eyes are fixed on mine, and once again, I feel as though I'm a child being shielded from a very bad secret. "Did…you want to come eat breakfast?"

"No."

She nods, and makes to get off my bed. I reach up quickly, and tug her wrist.

"Mother…how…bad did I get?"

"Don't worry about that, Izaya. Just concentrate on getting better."

And with that, she leaves the room. There it is again! This FUCKING FEELING. Why is it so hard to answer a simple question?! What more could there possibly be? I've come this far, I might as well know everything! I want to remember, I _need_ to remember! I can't move forward if I don't know the pieces!

In a rage, I kick blindly at my headboard, cracking it slightly. The noise reverberating calms me down a little, but I can't stop the fresh wave of tears. Cursing myself, I fall backwards into the sheets, my feet resting on the wall above the newly cracked headboard. And then, I hear the voice.

_"Isn't this a little childish, Flea?"_

"Sh-Shizu…"

And then, just like that, I'm alone again.

* * *

Dr. Shinra Kishitani isn't a mean man. If anything, he reminds me of a nerd who just loved modern medicine too much to even think of anything else. How he fell into psychiatry is beyond me, but as far as they go, he's a good psychiatrist. My guess has always been that he has so many problems of his own, he can relate. With that said, I still hate coming here. His eyes scan me with that damn look, the same look I get from everyone else. And I know behind that gaze, behind that smiling face, there lurks a man who wants to lock me up. I've known that since the beginning, even before I knew I was sick. They told me I was seeing a shrink so the memories coming back wouldn't overwhelm me. The truth was, they didn't want me to remember. Everyone has been lying to me.

Right now, he's clicking his pen against the clipboard, and his spectacled gaze is alternating between reading my chart, and looking back up at me. He smiles pleasantly at my neutral expression.

"You look like you've been through a grinder," he tell me, leaning forward slightly against his desk. "Tell me what's troubling you."

I simply stare at him, practically daring him to get me to respond.

"Your mother tells me you're starting to remember."

"If you already knew the answer, why did you ask the question?" I snap. His smile never falters.

"Because, Izaya, it's my job to ask _you_. I need to hear _your_ side of it. That's how this works."

"No, how it works is you prescribing me things and telling me they're for my eyes, or my brain, or for sleep. How many prescriptions do I have with false pretenses? Tell me, _Doctor_, how many of them are for Schizophrenia?"

"I'm not obliged to tell you such a thing, otherwise you'd stop taking it like before."

"How about I stop taking them all?"

Sighing, he sets his clipboard on the table, and eyes me skeptically.

"Izaya, you might not remember how severe your case is, but can't you at least listen to reason? You know you're unwell, and yet you're still trying to decline treatment. Why do you think that is?"

"Because you've been lying to me! Everyone, this whole damn time, you've all been lying to me! Why should I trust you?!"

"Izaya…"

"You're trying to lock me up! I know it! You're all- I'm…"

"This is paranoia, Izaya, and it's nothing more. It's a symptom. Have you been taking your meds?"

"Fuck you."

"What exactly did you remember? Just that you're sick?" he asks.

"You already know so damn much, you tell me. What else did my mom tell you? I'm sure your little meetings about me were simply _enlightening_."

"She did tell me you remembered what happened to Heiwajima Shizuo."

At this, I lean toward him, unable to stop myself.

"No, I… I know he's dead, but… How did he…?"

"I'm not obliged to say."

Again, I'm filled with rage, just at the thought of him knowing something I don't. He knows, Mother knows, Kanra knows, everyone knows… And Shizu-chan…

"Tell me, why do you think you were still seeing him for so long? I'd love to know the interaction you had. Were you friends? Lovers? Did you see him as a person? Could you touch him?"

"I'm not your stupid fucking guinea pig. I'm not telling you such things. You'll just write a book or something, and use me as a test subject."

"Not a test subject, but a tool for better understanding of-"

"I'm not a tool either!"

He writes something down on his little chart, and then looks back up at me with that fake smile plastered to his lips again.

"Why not tell me about something else? How have you been sleeping?" he asks.

"I need to know what happened to Shizu-chan."

"You don't need to know, nor am I going to tell you."

"Then we have no business here!" I snarl, standing up to leave. He stands with me.

"We have plenty of business. Should I tell your mother to come in and sit? Would that make you feel better?"

"I'M NOT A CHILD!" I explode, throwing my chair toward him. He dodges, but his eyes are wide as he picks up the phone on his desk and pushes a button. Still enraged, I make my way for the door, just knowing if I'm caught, I'll never be free again. I jerk the door open, and my mother is there, white-faced and panic-stricken. She hugs me tightly.

"Izaya, sweetie, you need to calm down, please…" she pleads. I fight to get free as she keeps whispering to me. As I pull away from her, I notice the red on her face. The blood has returned, but this time… It's everywhere. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God…

"No!" I scream, finally shoving her away. "I'm not crazy! I'm not! It's you- It's you guys! You're making me this way so you can get rid of me!" Shinra is covered in blood too, and is slowly reaching into his pocket for a needle.

_"Izaya, what would you say if you knew you were about to die?"_

I freeze at Shizu-chan's gruff voice.

_"Mmm, I don't like such questions," _I hear myself answer. _"You go first, ne?"_

_ "Mine would be…"_

And then it's silent again.

"Keep going!" I plead, turning to flee towards the door. "I need to know! Shizu-chan, help me remember!"

Everyone is covered in the blood at this point, and it's too hard to look at them. I run faster and faster, and refuse to look up at anyone. All I can do is keep going, keep running, keep trying to be free. Because I know when they catch me, it's over.

It's too late for me. I'm crazy.

Dashing faster, I recognize the sound of pavement under my shoes. I've made it outside, but still, my feet carry me.

_"Izaya! Please!"_

"Shizu-chan…?"

_"I swear, it's not like that! Listen to me, dammit!"_

_ "You're LYING! You and everyone else! Is it so damn funny now?!" _

Is this a memory? Why am I arguing with him…?

Suddenly, I can _see_ us. As if I'm watching a movie. I'm staring at myself and Shizu-chan. I'm holding a gun.

_"I-Izaya…"_ he says weakly, backing up into the wall. _"Please… It doesn't…you don't…"_

_ "But I do," _I answer with a grim smile. _"This is how it ends, baby. You and me."_

"No…"

Shizu-chan looks straight at the past me, eyes wide with fear, but unwavering.

_"Izaya…" _The gun cocks. _"I love you."_ And then the gun goes off, hitting Shizu-chan in the chest. The blood spurts from his back, and he falls to the floor, lifeless. I follow his lead, and fall to the floor too. The past me begins to laugh hysterically, which soon morphs to sobs. He places the gun to his head.

_"I love you, too."_

And then as I'm brought back to reality, I hear a car horn, and look up just in time to see it come straight at me. There's a squeak of brakes, but it's too late for it to stop. I hear the gunshot in my mind as I close my eyes, waiting for the impact. Shizu-chan's face is the last thing I see.

* * *

_Beep._

_ Beep._

_ Beep._

Everything is throbbing, except for my legs. I can't tell what's worse, the pain, or knowing I'll probably never walk again. I can hear the machines alerting me of my steady heartbeat. When I open my eyes, I see I'm in a hospital room. I can't move.

_Beep._

_ Beep._

_ Beep._

My eyes dart around as I try to make sense of this. My heartbeat speeds up on the monitor as a sharp knife of pain shoots through my arms. I'm able to look down enough to see I'm wrapped in bandages from head to toe. The worst part is, I'm in here all alone.

"Izaya…"

Gasping, I look to the side of my bed. Shizu-chan is there. I open my mouth to talk to him, but I can't. No sound comes out. He looks at me sadly, and reaches out to stroke my face through the bandages.

"Shhh," he says, brushing my tears away, "it's alright. Everything is alright."

I try to shake my head at him, but can't. I mouth the words _I killed you_ to him. He gives me a grim smile.

"No, baby. You weren't yourself. You were very ill."

I can't help but cry harder, and if I could move, I'd punch him, I swear. I mouth the words _it's not okay_, because it's not. I remember now. I killed him. I shot him, and then myself, but in a cruel twist of events, only he died. The bullet went in my brain at just the right angle to make me forget, but not kill me. So now I'm forced to live with this guilt, this knowledge that I killed him. I killed the love of my life.

"Stop looking at me like that. I told you, none of that matters. Izaya, I'm here with you. I'm not leaving."

_You left before_, I mouth. He shakes his head.

"I never left you, never. I knew…you weren't going to move on as long as I stayed with you, but I was still there. You just couldn't feel me. I could never…"

And Dota-chin's words come back from so long ago, _"Trust me, Izaya. I don't think anything could stop Shizuo from sticking around for you."_

They all knew. Of course they knew. They humored me when I talked as if Shizu-chan was still alive, for fear of pushing me over the edge. I was given pills to help sedate me, in hopes that I wouldn't remember how crazy I was. This is why I had constant appointments with Shinra. What were they going to do when I remembered? Lock me up forever?

Are my only options really between being locked up, or so sedated it's like I'm dead? Shizu-chan leans down to hold me as my heart monitor speeds up again.

"I'm here for you," he says quietly. "I love you so much, Flea. I'm sorry I couldn't…help you. I tried."

All I can do is sniffle at him, and silently tell him I'm the sorry one. If only I had done what I was supposed to, and taken my medication, maybe things wouldn't have turned out like this. I didn't only ruin my life, I ruined his too. I really am horrible.

The pain returns, shooting through my entire body. I cringe, silently crying harder before the numbness starts to consume me. It spreads from my legs, and creeps along my body like a blanket. The monitor starts to slow down.

"Shizu…chan…" I gasp, my voice coming out as a strangled sob. He jolts up to look at me, and begins kissing my face, telling me he won't leave.

_"What would you say if you knew you were about to die?"_

"I…love…you…"

Because I do, and because I'm sorry. I'm not worthy to have him, and I realize that. I've known that for a long time. The tingling feeling is almost all over me now, and I close my eyes as the tears finally stop. Because I know it's almost over.

Shizu-chan crawls beside me and holds me tightly as I feel lighter and lighter. It's almost as if I'm rising from my body, leaving behind everything plaguing me. For the first time in a long time, I'm not insane, I'm not in pain. I'm just Izaya Orihara. The Izaya I _used _to be. And that's what I've been striving for this whole time, after all.

I can keep being Izaya… I can keep…Shizu-chan with me... I can...

_Beep._

_ Beep._

_ Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…_

* * *

**_The End_**

_Sachi: Whoo! It's the end, playas!_

_ Izaya: …_

_ Shizuo: …_

_ Sachi: Ah, right. I know there's still a shit ton of questions you have. I know that, I'm not stupid! So, here is the announcement I told you to look for: THERE WILL BE ANOTHER PART TO THIS STORY. Yes, it's the beginning part, the BEFORE story, to tell you how we got to this point. It's going to be a sister story, and it will be called 'Insanely Mine', but it will be a little different, as it's going to be in third person POV. The reason I can't answer everything in this story is because Izaya is crazy, you guys. He's not going to sit there and think about everything rationally. We've had to deal with him skipping around and seeing things, so yeah, he's not the nest narrator. But at the same time, he had to tell the story in order for you to feel what he felt! SO, there will be more! Just bear with me, haha, I'll answer your crazy questions all in due time. _

_ Izaya: So we get to see the before story? Ah, that's good. I was concerned you made all these plot holes on accident._

_ Sachi: No! I have a plan. I'm a mad writer, but I always have plans! _

_ Shizuo: *smokes cigarette* _

_ Sachi: Review for love! And keep a lookout for 'Insanely Mine', as it will be posted soon. It'll probably be about the same length as this story, and trust me, you'll definitely want to read it. Till next time, my lovelies! _


End file.
